have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
