when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
