Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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