I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
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