Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
