I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
