It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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