How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
