I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
When are your genitals available?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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