There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i drank out of a bidet.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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