At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
