so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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