I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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