You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
