im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
