She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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