just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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