Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize