I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We're too hungover to prance.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
