i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Randomize
