I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
