marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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