Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
