"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
