i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
