You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
