when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
