Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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