1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
