He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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