you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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