in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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