im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
whose parrot is this?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
