he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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