ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
