You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
