im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
