I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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