His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
