You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My feet surprised me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
