You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
