MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So many bounce houses so little time
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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