I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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