apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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