Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
