I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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