Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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