New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
As shirtless as possible
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
