I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Less talking, more tequila
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
