Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
